Understanding the Cycle of Connection and Distance in Relationships
When it comes to relationships, people often fall into two categories:
- Those who prioritise connection
- Those who prioritise independence
If you’re familiar with attachment theory, you might recognise this dynamic: the first group often has an anxious attachment style, while the second tends to have an avoidant attachment style. And, as you’ve probably guessed, these two types are often drawn to each other.
Here’s how it plays out:
- The anxious partner (often, but not always, women because they’ve been conditioned to believe their worth comes from relationships) keeps reaching out, craving closeness.
- The avoidant partner feels overwhelmed and withdraws.
- And so begins the cycle — one reaches, the other withdraws… the more one pursues, the more the other retreats.
I remember a time when I was always the one keeping a friendship going. I would be the first to message, the one to make plans, the one to check in when we hadn’t spoken in a while. It felt natural — after all, I cared about them, and I wanted to stay connected.
But at some point, I started wondering… what would happen if I didn’t reach out first? Would they notice? Would they miss me? Would they ever be the one to send a message just to ask how I was?
So, I stopped. Not in a dramatic, “I’m cutting them off” way. Just… stopped being the one to always take the first step.
And the silence that followed? It was painful. It made me question everything. But eventually, something unexpected happened — I felt lighter. It wasn’t that I didn’t care anymore. I just realised I didn’t have to prove my worth by always being the one to hold things together.
Some friendships faded. Some deepened in a more balanced way. And most importantly, I changed. I learned that real connection isn’t about one person doing all the emotional work — it’s about meeting each other halfway.
So what can you do if you’re the one who values connection more?
- Take a step back.
- Get comfortable with being alone.
- Voice your needs, but don’t do the work for both people.
I know how painful it is to always be the one reaching out. And I know how scary it feels to stop. But here’s the thing — on the other side of that pain, there’s actual freedom. Speaking from experience here.
Let’s heal together.
P.S. Inspired by Already Free: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the Path of Liberation by Bruce Tift.